Guest Post from Panda – Who’s Hungry for Some Floppy Joe’s?

Just in time for the approaching NBA Finals, guest author Pandalicious weighs in on the obnoxious European soccer-like proclivity to flopping that so many ballplayers have adopted as a cornerstone of good “fundamental defense.”  Reaching back a couple years with some classic examples while also offering up some contemporary ones too, Panda lets us know that the NBA has finally and rightfully taken issue with the constant tom-floppery that has become customary league-wide.

I started grinning from ear to ear when I read a simple eight-word headline on the front page of ESPN.com- “NBA to implement fines for flopping next season.”

For some reason, as I’m typing this, I still cannot stop smiling.  Finally!  The NBA is starting to combat the athletic trickery and visual manipulation that has fooled referees (with the exception of Tim Donaghy who only called charges if it benefited his side of the betting line) and warped professional basketball for decades.

For years, coaches, analysts, the media, fans, and fellow players have praised NBA athletes for being as sneaky, deceptive, and cleverly athletic as humanly possible.  Whether it’s drawing a false charge, launching your body into a helpless defender and taking a circus layup over an easy layup, or grabbing your opponents jersey on your way down to the floor to make it seem like he dragged you down, in the NBA’s book, it’s always been, “the more you do it, the craftier of a player you are.”  To strengthen the point, here are some well-known examples of the best floppers, grabbers, punchers, and kickers in NBA history, all of whom are heralded for their game:

Dennis Rodman was affectionately called “The Worm” for bending the rules, masterfully hiding illegal contact on defense and in the paint, and pestering the competition with great body control and incredible flopping ability.  Not to mention, he once faked an orgasm with Carmen Electra and had her completely fooled.

 

 

Reggie Miller, a future Hall of Famer, owes much credit to his ability to bump into completely legal screens and flail his arms around like he’d been hit by a speeding tractor trailer, usually drawing a whistle and resulting in two free throws a “softer” pick to work around his next time down the court.  And don’t forget his sneaky little Ralph Macchio leg kick to the opponent’s testicles every time he needed some extra separation on a jump shot.  Taught all the kids that you can always kick your opponent down low when the ref’s eyes are looking for contact up high.

Vlade Divac was probably one of the least athletic players to grace the NBA hardwood-topped only by Shawn Bradley, Gheorghe Muresan, and Arvydas Sabonis- but boy did that hairy, sweaty, stinky, sketchy-looking Yugoslav know how to flop.  At 7-ft. 250lbs., Divac, the inventor of the “Vlade Flop” consistently drew whistles against 6-ft. nothing 180lb. point guards by acting like he was Bob Hope being run over by John Daly in a speeding golf cart.  If “Successful Flops” was a statistical category, Vlade would be #1 on the all-time list- no doubt.

This type of re-institution of the “proper” game of basketball is exactly what the NBA needs as the players get more and more athletic every year.  It’s undeniable that athleticism- bigger, faster, higher-jumping players- has changed the game drastically. 

Today’s players have gotten so athletic that they’ve become masterful actors, while the judgment of the referees has remained piss-poor in comparison.  Under the tutelage of their coaches, players are able to rehearse better flops in practice and have become so ridiculously athletic that they can be standing upright one moment, have a player simply brush an elbow into their chest, and be 4 feet off the ground, parallel to the floor with arms flailing one-tenth of a second later- like stunt-doubles in the Matrix Trilogy without the safety mats and ceiling cables holding them up. 

 

 

 

In summer training camps, rookies are brought in to practice with veteran players and learn some “nuances” of the game.  Much of this time is focused on how to flop, how to dupe the refs, and how to draw contact in mid-air to earn a few free throws.  It’s no secret.  We’ve all known this for over a decade.  And following normal procedure, the NBA has publicly acknowledged this 10 years later.

Flopping was originally seen as cowardly, and now, with Kobe, LeBron, T-Mac, and CP3 flopping all the time, it’s become a skill younger players have strived to learn.  Flopping changes outcomes of games and takes away from the purity of the sport.  Congratulations to the NBA for putting an end to the flop and generating a new source of revenue from flopping fines.

Let’s hope the NFL steps right up and starts imposing fines on punters who crumble to the ground, grab their ankles, and fake like they’ve been hit by a truck, trying to get the maximum 15-yard roughing penalty after a simple brush-by block attempt.

Cheers to the Anti-Flop Movement in professional sports!