Barry Zito’s Dirty Secret

It seems that nothing but miserable news has piled up in the last week in sports.  The Dodgers got swept at home while managing to score a whopping 6 runs over the three game set with the Houston Astros.  You do have to give the Dodgers some room for error however… they faced this generation’s equivalent of Smoltz, Glavine, and Maddux in Brian Moehler, Chris Sampson, and Shawn Chacon.  Wait a minute, who in the spinach-fucking, rape-whistle wearing world can believe this shit?  These hacks have a combined ERA of nearly 4.7 lifetime. Absolutely abysmal. I take back anything nice I ever said about the Dodgers and their hopes for this year.  Clearly it’s time to squelch all expectations, pack up my hopes and dreams for any reasonable amount of Dodgers success into a small brown paper bag, poop into it, and hurl it headlong into the shining Pacific Ocean.  They continue to kill me slowly.  The one positive thing I can pull from this unfortunate turn of events is that the Astros are arguably playing the best ball in the league right now and certainly have the hottest hitter in the land in Lance Berkman.  In case you haven’t noticed, he’s leading the NL in RBIs, Homeruns and slugging while at a torrid clip of a .393 average.   That’s just incredible.

Then, there’s the Angels.  Not that I really care about them, but they are the local AL team which means that I end up watching a Burmese cyclone load of their games.  I would normally shun the idea of going straight for the jugular on this completely off-kilter joke, but you know what? Fuck Myanmar/Burma.  Or whatever the hell the name of that obliterated pisshole is going to be next week.  Believe me, I feel absolutely horrified and sorry for the poor saps that occupy that nation as innocent bystanders and citizens – they have no control over their own destinies as their ruthless governing body that consistently deprives them of helpful information…  like when Mother Nature is about to bombard them back into the Stone Age with titanic force, which mind you, is FORSEEABLE –but what I have no tolerance for is the wretched warlords and criminals that occupy the most powerful seats in government there.  They are all negligent and should be held responsible for the destitution, disease, and delinquency that has overtaken the region like an illimitable scourge, because it was mostly avoidable.  

Anyway, back to topics that don’t make we want to vomit onto my keyboard and subsequently whack a foreigner in the face with it, the Angels were swept by the Rays in St. Pete.  You’ve got to hand it to the young Irwin Kilers though… they seem to be playing more like a team and getting the performances out of their role players that they need to succeed.  Guys like Navarro, Iwamura, and Bartlett have started to swing the bat well in the last month while getting Kazmir back into the rotation has been a much-needed boost for their young staff.

In the USCTrojans blotter… freshman guard OJ (don’t call me ‘Orenthal’) Mayo who recently declared his intent to never pick up another piece of literature again — unless of course it involved several sets of surgically-enhanced cans –  by becoming eligible in the NBA draft, is now in some serious trouble as allegations of him receiving up to six-figures worth of cash and gifts from boosters are circulating wildly.  In the most recent report by the Associated Press, the NCAA’s president claims to have “new information” relating to OJ’s monetary miscues. 

As I recall, Reggie Bush was embroiled in some such similar controversy not too long ago, yet he’s managed to keep banging Kim Fat-Ass-Dashian.  Honestly, who gives a shit anyway?  The guy’s gonna make more money than I could set on fire with a flame-thrower at Ft. Knox, so he’ll wriggle himself out of legal trouble with some coin.  I guess Myles Brand, president of the NCAA, wants to send a message to all of the other talented college recruits out there being coaxed by high-profile coaches — don’t take the Rover and the bouillon they’re gonna throw at you, son.  Seems pretty hypocritical to me, especially considering the guy was the President of Indiana during Bob Knight’s tenure there… where I’m absolutely positive no shady recruiting business went down whatsoever… riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Lastly, the Lakers lost two straight games on the road in the Western Conference Semis to the Jazz.  However, there is definitely silver lining to this disappointing scenario…  firstly, the Jazz had the best record in the NBA at home and EnergySolutions Arena is known as a pretty tough place to play.  Think about it: 22,000 Mormons waving long rubber balloons and screaming obscenities at you while you try to make a free throw is not the easiest task.

“You shall be vanquished in eternal hell-fire if you make this free throw!”

Secondly, MVP Kobe Bryant was clearly playing in a great deal of pain.  I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch scrounging up excuses like a homeless guy peering for cigarette butts in a sewer, but the guy injured himself on a turn-around in the first minute and a half of the game and still managed to put up impressive numbers (33 points, 10 assists, 8 rebounds, 1 steal).  Obviously he was pretty shoddy down the stretch going something like 2-12 throughout the 4th quarter and overtime, but he kept them in the game, especially in the last half of the third quarter. 

While I would have liked to have seen him continue to dish the ball in the last 10 total minutes instead of jacking up threes, Kobe is a closer, and a damn good one at that… arguably one of the finest in the game’s history with the likes of Bird and Jordan.  I’m sure it’s very difficult for a player in his position, meaning the best on the entire planet, to relinquish control over a pressurized situation when you know you’ve succeeded in positions just like this one 100 times over.  But when Fish and Odom are hot, take the onus off of yourself, and allow your teammates to do the work.

Lastly, the Lakers basically played as poorly as they have all year as a team while the Jazz were very efficient from the field. Essentially, the Lakers got pushed around and failed to run their up-tempo style while the Jazz remained comfortable running pick & rolls and allowing Deron Williams to orchestrate the offense.  The Jazz also got some pretty stellar play out of their bench in one-time starter Matt Harpring, Paul Millsap, and Kyle Korver who hit several timely threes.  Not to mention, Ronnie Price through no effort of his own got Turiaf booted from the ballgame in what was a terrible Flagrant Two call at the beginning of the affair.  Honestly, how can you throw a guy out for perceived threat and intent to injure on a play like this…

Honestly, I don’t think he would have been tossed, but because Price drew blood from his ugly little muskrat face, the officiating crew decided it must have been excessive force used by Turiaf.  That’s what happens when a guy who’s 6′9″ tries to reject a guy who’s 6′2″. It’s part of the game.  Douche-puppies.

That’s all I got for now.  I could continue to harp on the travesties that define sport right now at this moment in time, like Kevin Everett being cut from the Bills, or a Little League coach being convicted of corruption of minors and simple assault for offering an 8-year-old player money to hit a mildly autistic teammate with a ball during warmups before a June 2005 playoff game (not making that one up, either) but instead I stop the bad news there…

There is actually some good news from today (drumroll please)…

Barry Bonds is being charged by the United States in a new indictment with 14 counts of lying and one count of obstruction of justice.  Maybe there is a baseball God, and maybe he’s related to Hank Aaron.