Barry Zito’s Dirty Secret

Today’s featured article on BZDS comes from a distinguished gentleman hailing from Livingston, New Jersey.  Panda, as he is affectionately known, is an avid Knicks guy that has agonized over the self-induced implosion the Knicks have undergone over the past couple of years as Isiah Thomas has run a hallowed and historic franchise aground as though it were a  $30 RC Schooner. I guarantee that Panda could do no worse at the helm of his beloved squad as the recently-axed GM has.  Hell, a caged emu could probably make more sound team decisions while experiencing electro-shock therapy than Thomas has.

Panda outlines the potential coaching suitors the Pathe-Knicks brass are looking to tie the knot with as they longingly yearn for the days of glory and yore to return… do the names Ewing, Starks, Oakley, or Frazier ring any bells?  Not to anybody that’s watched these dreadful thugs plummet in the standings over the past 7 plus seasons.

Read on friends, to find out who should, but probably won’t be (if recent tribulations are any indication) the next head coach of the New York Knicks…

Everyone knows Isiah Thomas has ruined New York basketball.  But just for shits and giggles, let’s run through a short list of his contributions to a once-great Knicks franchise:

• Millions of dollars in sexual harassment suit expenses;
• Millions of dollars in wasted contracts and buyouts (Hey Zeke, Stevie Franchise is AWESOME.  Great job);
• A roster full of severely overpaid ballhogs with a collective Forrest Gump-level basketball IQ;
• Significantly lower ticket and memorabilia sales;
• And don’t forget his revolutionary new approach to coaching- the use of the entire And 1 Mixtape library as a primary resource for teaching team defense.

Unfortunately, for the trained slackers (except for you, David Lee.  You’re a big white guy who can jump, board, and jam.  P.S. I love you, David.) on the Knicks current roster, Isiah is gone. Boys, your days of nonstop infighting, having the freedom to hoist up contested shots 10-seconds into the shot clock, and playing matador defense are over.  Next year, Donnie Walsh might actually make you start earning your money.  And my deepest regrets to you, Zach Randolph- you’ll no longer be receiving that congratulatory 10-piece bucket of KFC from Isiah after each shot you block.

So, thankfully for all followers -and hordes of recently defected followers- of New York Knicks basketball, Isiah has finally released his crippling grasp on James Dolan’s balls and Donnie Walsh has shown him the door.  But, what next?  Who does Donnie bring on to willingly inherit a roster of egotistic morons mixed-in with 2-3 quality young players and somehow turn this into a winning team again?

Here are my analyses and ratings of potential New York Knicks hires (on a scale of 10).

The Frontrunner: Mike D’Antoni (7/10)

Who is Mike D’Antoni?  I’ll tell you straight up.  He teaches “Euro-Ball.” Played his pro-ball in Italy and learned how to coach there.  Move the ball, push the break, run pick-and-rolls, and rely on outside shooters to make a high percentage of threes.  He’s also had Steve Nash, who has been the perfect fit for his style of offense.  However, his teams have always been categorized as defensive underachievers, despite the presence of good defensive players like Shawn Marion, Raja Bell, Kurt Thomas, Grant Hill, and others, and he has been a career underachiever.  Yes, Mike, you may have gotten screwed when half your bench ran five feet too far onto the court after Steve Nash got bodychecked by Robert Horry in the West Finals, but you haven’t won anything with your team of stars and an MVP point guard.  Knicks basketball in its most successful years has always been about defense.  I don’t think D’Antoni can coach defense.  However, if he’s given personnel power, dumps our team of losers and morons, and has a few good drafts and acquisitions that fit his philosophy, in five or six years, this could be the East’s version of the 2007 Phoenix Suns.  That wouldn’t be half bad. 

The Former Front-Runner:  Mark Jackson (1/10)

When I heard the news that Mark Jackson was tops on Donnie Walsh’s list, my sperm count immediately dropped to 13, as the majority of my little swimmers were committing suicide.  Mark Jackson?  The guy just recently became an analyst and color commentator, has never coached a day in his life at any level, and you want him to come on board and convince Zach Randolph and Stephon Marbury that he is an all-knowing expert on game strategy and coaching basketball in general?  This is a recipe for disaster.  Everyone knows that some of these guys in the NBA are the kings of backtalk.  Imagine Mark Jackson grilling Marbury during training camp about missing a rotation or turning the ball over.  All Marbury ever has to say is “Fuck you, Jackson.  I know what I’m doing.  You’ve never coached a damn NBA team, no less, a YMCA Youth League team, in your life.  Don’t tell my ass what to do.”  Enough said.  Mark, you do a swell job giving Mike Breen some color- pardon my pun- on the air, but if you want to coach, you better go get yourself an assistant gig under someone who knows the ropes.  You are NOT ready to take a dysfunctional and miserable team and turn them around.

In the Mix: Avery Johnson (8/10)

Avery Johnson turned Don Nelson’s run-and-gun, completely non-defensive team into a good defensive team with a slower but still effective offense.  To his credit, he also convinced Dirk (a.k.a “irk”… no D) Nowitzki to start playing some solid defense. The result?  The best record in the NBA in 2007.  His coaching style is no surprise.  The man values defense.  He played with the Twin Towers in San Antonio and won a title.  He couldn’t shoot, was too small, but he started for a championship team because he was gritty and could play some annoying-ass defense.  So why was he run out of Dallas?  My honest judgment is that it was misfortune that sealed his fate.  Drawing the worst first-round matchup possible in Golden State in the 2007 Playoffs after dominating the regular season, and then, of course, the idiotic acquisition of Jason Kidd at the end of the 2008 season.  Nice job Mark Cuban and company.  Bring over a slow-footed point guard who is way past his prime, pay him all kinds of dough, and expect him to stay with the speed of Chris Paul and Tony Parker.  Brilliant.  You just paid more money for a first-round exit, lost a 24-year old point guard in Devin Harris, and left your coach – a quality coach – in the worst of all possible situations.  Avery, you made the right call to leave Dallas.  New York needs a defensive coach, but is Avery actually a good coach or did he just acquire a good team in Dallas?  If he gets the New York job (unlikely unless D’Antoni turns it down), we’ll see.

D’Antoni or Johnson?  I prefer Johnson by a hair, but D’Antoni would be alright.  Mike has a big role on the US National Team coaching staff, is well respected, and has shown the ability to make good personnel decisions.  Ultimately, it was Steve Kerr’s decision to pick-up Shaq in a multi-year contract that probably made D’Antoni jump ship in Phoenix.  He had no say in that deal and Shaq didn’t fit his offensive scheme. 

Anyhow, beggars can’t be choosers.  There is not a qualified coach in this world who would look forward to inheriting the Knicks’ miserable roster and salary cap problems.  I say whoever Donnie hires, give him five or six solid years before making the final judgment. 

A Knicks title is at LEAST ten years away, but getting rid of Isiah was the first of many key steps. 

Can we reverse the decision to induct him into the Hall of Fame? 

This just in… reports are now circulating that the Knicks have offered D’Antoni a contract worth $30 million despite Donnie Walsh refuting such statements…

As Panda so eloquently put, D’ will be sure to have Tumi trunk sized eye-bags and a sauce problem in no time once he tries to wrangle the young bucks that so infrequently do the right thing on that beleaguered team.

Now the bidding war is on between the Bulls and the Italian Stallion… we shall see who prevails in the coming days.