Barry Zito’s Dirty Secret

When I say…  ”the whistle goes wooo wooo!!!”

You say… “It’s only in da monin !”

And now to reveal all the power and glory that is Bubb Rubb’s eloquence, I offer you the link to the brand spankin’ new trailer released by EA Sports for the annual NCAA Football Game (Version 2009)… Just gaze at the splendor at around :11 seconds, and you will know that OakTown’s finest has made his mark on our world…  Will it ever be the same?

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for innovation and oddity when it comes to advertisements.  Something a bit different to tackle the viewer and make them pay attention.  But what the hell is this non-sense?  It’s like putting Steamboat Mickey, an iguana and a nerf football into a blender, pouring into a frosted malt glass, stirring it with your member, and slapping some pubes on the rim of the glass.  Somehow though, I still really want to play this game.  Like, really really really bad.

They should be up makin’ breakfast, BEEEYITCH!

QUARTER 1

So after an abysmal and sloppy start where guys can’t hang on to the ball, careless errors are being made on both sides, and nobody wants to establish good pace, it looks like it’s gonna be high-quality NBA stuff from here on out. 

Awwww, sweet mustard gas of Montenegro.  Nice move by Bryant to give the Lakers 3-2 lead.

Nice dish out Lamar Odom to Vlad-Rad for the three… about time he showed up early.  But early foul trouble has been an issue and really hurts because the Celtics are pretty weak defending the perimeter.  If the Lakers can kick out to Sasha and Radmanovic with open looks (meaning Lamar and Pau have to show up offensively), it would open up the game nicely for the good guys. 

Celtics are throwing the ball around left and right.  They are showing no discretion whatsoever for possession.  I guess they remembered that they’re on the road and should play accordingly.

About time the refs called a foul on Bryant…  He goes straight to the hoop and looks like he’s gonna mash one down, but he loses the ball.  Even the commentators mentioned that he got hacked.  Is this no-call stuff really gonna continue.  Kobe is 20-20 from the FT line during the Finals… hopefully he can get to the line some more… and as I say that, he gets jobbed on the way up of a jumper by TortoiseFace Rondo.

And Bryants misses his first FT… I guess I should just not mention any notable streaks that favor the Lakers. 9-2 Lakers.

Sweet play by Fisher to knock the dishout pass to Rondo from Allen on the dribble-drive.  Kobe is going to shoot two… Now after just a couple minutes of play, it has become abundantly clear that two things are true:

1) The Celtics are all over the place when on the road.  It’s really strange, but they feel the need to come into LA and beat the Lakers at their own game - uptempo, fast-paced, aggressively styled run and shoot offensive tactics with little help on the defensive end.  The Big 3 are trying to do too much to establish dominance, and you can tell because they’re forcing up the ball.  Example: on the careless TO by Vlad-Rad where Ray Allen intercepted the ball deep in the Lakers zone, he jacked up a 22 footer instead of waiting for his offense to set and take advantage.

2) Plain and Simple - the refs are calling this game wildly inconsistent.  Guys are getting bailed on plays where they have nowhere to go after they penetrate, but when clear contact is made no call is made.  This is ridiculous.

9-5 Lakers. Ray Allen is gonna knock down open threes. Why crash down on Perkins with two guys? He’s a lesser threat when he’s at his best then when Allen is at his worst. Which he basically is.

What a roof job by Garnett on Pau after the Kobe behind the back pass.  Garnett is great around the basket because of his immense length, and he got all the way down the floor to miss the jam!! What a clown… and then Vlad Rad gets called for the loose ball foul.  Nonsense.

The fact that the Celtics are about to go into the 2nd quarter tied is a bad sign for the Lake Show.  They have gotten minimal production offensively from Allen, Garnett, and Pierce.  In fact, Pierce and Garnett do not have a single point between them.  The other worrisome stat is Pierce and Garnett have 11 total boards to Lamar and Pau’s 8.  While that’s not a huge difference those will definitely add up later in the game.  In order for LA to succeed they need to secure the ball, minimize second chances for the Celtics offense, and push the ball down the floor while trying to get Bryant to the foul line.  All relatively obvious things, but hey, the simple and small things are the ones that win games.

START OF THE SECOND QUARTER

Walton is in the game, and that means it’s time for some whiteboy bench energy.  Turiaf should just start gnawing on KG’s legs and arms at every opportunity. If you get called for cannibalism, so be it.  Just take that big borderline personality mug outta the game.  As for Sasha, maybe he can shake out his hair and grease up whomever he’s defending so that everytime they touch the ball, they just drop it like a searing sack of hammers.

Farmar and Walton just ran a nice little backdoor cut. That’s what Walton used to really specialize in.  Wait around, and give it up.

PJ Brown is a punk.  Looks like an overgrown smurf on ecstacy.  Farmar soared up and got a nice board off of a KG miss, and what does Brown do?  He locks up Jordan’s arm, wrestles him around, hears the whistle blow, and continues to badger a guy who he’s got about 7 inches and 70 pounds on.  To top it off, he sarcastically smirked at the little guy as though he were going to wait to meet him in the parking lot to steal his lunch money.  Arrogant Celtics Bullshit!!

Turiaf definitely put in some good time.  Pau’s back in. Hopefully he can make some stuff happen down low.   Farmar and him tried a little back and forth where Farmar drove but couldn’t finish… I love his aggressiveness, but he’s erratic around the hoop.  He’s best when he runs baseline and dishes out.

31-25 Lakers.  Damn! That’s a silky ass left hand by Bryant for the 2nd time.  And no foul?   All good.  As long as he keeps driving the lane that’s gonna open up Sasha and Farmar and VladRad… Lakers are finally getting into an offensive rhythm.

And Garnett finally gets his first bucket on the oop from Allen.  Only took him 9 attempts.  They’re doing a good job on him, but they’re not moving off of picks very well to take Allen out of the game from deep.   I guess that’s the risk you run when you play a team that has three sure-fire HOF’ers. 

Van Gundy needs to shut the hell up about that piece of shit tin-can WallE…  I’m surprised ABC didn’t have a more obnoxious promotional tie in for the film… Oh wait, this isn’t FOX.  

On an unrelated note, though not entirely, I think Eddie Murphy propositioned the android for oral sex but then smoothly played it off saying he was doing research for his upcoming futuristic sci-fi movie, CosmiCop: Cuffed in Space.  What a pervert.  Only perverts wear sunglasses indoors at sporting events.  Yes, Jack. That includes you, too.

After getting chewed out by Big Jax, Sasha has come out and his first two attempts.  The Lakers are also starting to move the ball a lot better.  More guys with their hands on it stretches out the tough-nosed D of the Celtics.

Kendrick Perkins just screamed as he put down the most average flush I’ve seen in a while… to put his team back within 9 points.  Yeah, 9 points.  Keep thumping your chest, tough guy.  You have the single smallest mouth I have ever peered at in my life.  Seriously, I think you could beat out a 2 year old Laotian for most minimal grill-piece on the planet.  It’s probably because what you have to say is nearly incomprehensible and almost certainly meaningless.  Dumb ass tiny trap.

43-34, Celtics down 9 still. Wow. Ray Allen is just 1 of 3 from the charity stripe.  Rare misses from the automatic assmaster. And Garnett just traveled.  He is really struggling to get in scoring stride.

And on the other end, Pau is really having troubled finishing.  He has missed several easy lay-ups/dunk attempts.  Normally he is very smooth around the bucket, gliding gracefully and comfortable finishing with both hands.  But he’s got to keep pushing it.  Only 4 attempts after that last miss off the inbound pass. 

Dammit! Allen again with a triple. Lakers only up 6 now.  With Garnett blowing bonobo balls, make sure as shit that Sugar Ray gets zero open looks.  Phil will definitely make the adjustment. Or at least stress to the team what they need to do.

“It’s a miracle we’re even winning this game!!”  - Multiple sources around the office…

With Odom and Pau totalling 4 points, and Kobe missing 5 free throws, I cannot disagree with that statement.  Thank Jeebus Garnett couldn’t find the tits on an obese German harlot during the first half.  2-16 are Garnett and Pierce.  THEY ARE SHOOTING 12 AND A HALF PERCENT. AND THE LAKERS ONLY HAVE A 2 POSSESSION LEAD.  WOW.

To say that the Lakers are not taking advantage of a piss poor performance offensively by the Green Machine is to say that Mike Meyer’s film career since the first Austin Powers has been nothing short of epically masterful…  Cat in the Hat, 54, Goldmember, Shrek 2, Shrek 3, and now the highly-anticipated steaming pile of crocodile piss The Love Guru.  Seriously, go away you Canuck hack.  You were amazing on SNL. And So I Married an Axe Murderer was comedy gold.  But your hackneyed shtick and beaty, haggard eyes have run their tragic course caressing the flesh of young, nubile factory workers.  Leave those girls, and more importantly, the general public alone!

So I have decided that in order to really enjoy this ballgame I’m gonna stop this experiment.  It’s been an exercise in futility and fun.  But now it’s time to enjoy the second half drubbing of the Celtics.  The Lakers are about to light it up.  I just get the feeling that Kobe and Pau and gonna have something to say about the outcome of this one.  Until next time…

Just in time for the approaching NBA Finals, guest author Pandalicious weighs in on the obnoxious European soccer-like proclivity to flopping that so many ballplayers have adopted as a cornerstone of good “fundamental defense.”  Reaching back a couple years with some classic examples while also offering up some contemporary ones too, Panda lets us know that the NBA has finally and rightfully taken issue with the constant tom-floppery that has become customary league-wide.

I started grinning from ear to ear when I read a simple eight-word headline on the front page of ESPN.com- “NBA to implement fines for flopping next season.”

For some reason, as I’m typing this, I still cannot stop smiling.  Finally!  The NBA is starting to combat the athletic trickery and visual manipulation that has fooled referees (with the exception of Tim Donaghy who only called charges if it benefited his side of the betting line) and warped professional basketball for decades.

For years, coaches, analysts, the media, fans, and fellow players have praised NBA athletes for being as sneaky, deceptive, and cleverly athletic as humanly possible.  Whether it’s drawing a false charge, launching your body into a helpless defender and taking a circus layup over an easy layup, or grabbing your opponents jersey on your way down to the floor to make it seem like he dragged you down, in the NBA’s book, it’s always been, “the more you do it, the craftier of a player you are.”  To strengthen the point, here are some well-known examples of the best floppers, grabbers, punchers, and kickers in NBA history, all of whom are heralded for their game:

Dennis Rodman was affectionately called “The Worm” for bending the rules, masterfully hiding illegal contact on defense and in the paint, and pestering the competition with great body control and incredible flopping ability.  Not to mention, he once faked an orgasm with Carmen Electra and had her completely fooled.

Reggie Miller, a future Hall of Famer, owes much credit to his ability to bump into completely legal screens and flail his arms around like he’d been hit by a speeding tractor trailer, usually drawing a whistle and resulting in two free throws a “softer” pick to work around his next time down the court.  And don’t forget his sneaky little Ralph Macchio leg kick to the opponent’s testicles every time he needed some extra separation on a jump shot.  Taught all the kids that you can always kick your opponent down low when the ref’s eyes are looking for contact up high.

Vlade Divac was probably one of the least athletic players to grace the NBA hardwood-topped only by Shawn Bradley, Gheorghe Muresan, and Arvydas Sabonis- but boy did that hairy, sweaty, stinky, sketchy-looking Yugoslav know how to flop.  At 7-ft. 250lbs., Divac, the inventor of the “Vlade Flop” consistently drew whistles against 6-ft. nothing 180lb. point guards by acting like he was Bob Hope being run over by John Daly in a speeding golf cart.  If “Successful Flops” was a statistical category, Vlade would be #1 on the all-time list- no doubt.

This type of re-institution of the “proper” game of basketball is exactly what the NBA needs as the players get more and more athletic every year.  It’s undeniable that athleticism- bigger, faster, higher-jumping players- has changed the game drastically. 

Today’s players have gotten so athletic that they’ve become masterful actors, while the judgment of the referees has remained piss-poor in comparison.  Under the tutelage of their coaches, players are able to rehearse better flops in practice and have become so ridiculously athletic that they can be standing upright one moment, have a player simply brush an elbow into their chest, and be 4 feet off the ground, parallel to the floor with arms flailing one-tenth of a second later- like stunt-doubles in the Matrix Trilogy without the safety mats and ceiling cables holding them up. 

In summer training camps, rookies are brought in to practice with veteran players and learn some “nuances” of the game.  Much of this time is focused on how to flop, how to dupe the refs, and how to draw contact in mid-air to earn a few free throws.  It’s no secret.  We’ve all known this for over a decade.  And following normal procedure, the NBA has publicly acknowledged this 10 years later.

Flopping was originally seen as cowardly, and now, with Kobe, LeBron, T-Mac, and CP3 flopping all the time, it’s become a skill younger players have strived to learn.  Flopping changes outcomes of games and takes away from the purity of the sport.  Congratulations to the NBA for putting an end to the flop and generating a new source of revenue from flopping fines.

Let’s hope the NFL steps right up and starts imposing fines on punters who crumble to the ground, grab their ankles, and fake like they’ve been hit by a truck, trying to get the maximum 15-yard roughing penalty after a simple brush-by block attempt.

Cheers to the Anti-Flop Movement in professional sports!

This is just comedy. I believe the producer of this video is a man by the name of Bald Wally the Baltimore Warlock. 

Who knew that you could spell out Orioles in human form?

Continuing in the great week-old tradition of BZDS, I would like to welcome another great guest post to the site.  This week, we are fortunate to have the vitriolic voice of Jeff Clifford to inform us about the situation surrounding the latest supposed USC debacle.  This scathing criticism is well-founded, and frankly, right on.  So let’s see what Cliff thinks this is all about…

M-A-Y-O. B-U-S-H. L-A-C-C. Four letter words hover like an anvil over USC this week. Already accused of turning a blind eye to the financial dealings of Reggie Bush’s family a few years ago, Troy could now lose sight altogether. O.J. Mayo’s brief tenure as a college student may leave Troy sighing a collective “F-U-C-K.” A certain four letter network’s airing of these allegations on “Outside the Lines” fueled widespread condemnation - by the very same network. Judging based solely on their own flimsy investigation (citing hard evidence that Mayo has the “gifts” but providing only circumstantial evidence that it was paid for by Rod Guillory), ESPN’s columnists - specifically terminally self-important Pat Forde and the wholly obtuse Jason Smith - have targeted USC and their compliance office as the culprits. Forde even went as far as suggesting that USC should get the death penalty. But there is hope. Much of the evidence is scant at best and the informers unreliable to say the least. Lloyd Lake, a felon, and Johnson, burned by Mayo in his attempt to extort him, have an axe to grind. Mayo was thoroughly investigated earlier this year by the NCAA and USC, and was ultimately cleared. He and Bush were in the spotlight constantly and yet nothing has been proven - even after years of investigation in Bush’s case. The other shoe may drop on USC, but it hasn’t and wont without more evidence. Even if everything they reported is true, ESPN is still guilty of using their virtual monopoly on sports news to be the judge, jury and executioner. As if their shameless east coast bias hadn’t robbed them of credibility as a national network, they allow their columnists to cement hearsay into unmitigated fact. Forde’s article was a new low. This kind of speculation happens all the time at many campuses, and yet never has anyone said a school deserves the death penalty or a coach be fired without any evidence of wrong doing. Maybe it is time we look at ESPN as the New York Times or NBC of the sports news world - and Forde and Smith as Shattered Glass. Maybe, for Troy, the F-U-C-K should be F-Y-O-U to ESPN.

If Sunday’s ESPN brought the specter of sanctions on the program, Monday brought the welcome news of the defeat of another four lettered goliath - the L.A.C.C. No, not the exclusive owners of L.A. Country Club’s satanic North Course, but the Los Angeles Coliseum Commission. For those of you unfamiliar with this illustrious body of South L.A. politicians, they are the people who have colluded civic interests into forcing the NFL to relocate only to the decrepit Coliseum. Since 1994 they have hijacked the NFL from the people of Los Angeles. When Peter O’Malley brought the city plans to build a brand new NFL stadium in Chavez Ravine and get an expansion team called the Dodgers, it was the LACC who asked him to be a team player and bow to the city’s interest. Three years later, O’Malley had to sell everything, burned by the people who promised to help him if he played ball. 14 years on, they still held our NFL dreams in their corrupt hands. Even when USC offered to put $100 million into the renovation of the Coliseum in exchange for the master lease, the LACC balked, expecting the NFL to cave. Except the NFL didn’t. The NFL brilliantly used the absence of football in LA to pry new stadium deals out of almost every team in the league. Finally, this week, Troy conquered the LACC, with a little help from a man named Ed Roski. Roski, a Los Angeles billionaire developer, helped AEG build Staples Center ten years ago. L.A. has been waiting for a private investor to finance a stadium on private land and build outside the zone of the Commission’s power. Finally. Roski owns lands in the City of Industry which he will develop into a state of the art stadium and retail facility (losangelesfootballstaduim.com). Roski put a dagger into the heart of the LACC. Whichever NFL team moves to LA will definitely not be playing in the Coliseum. And so, on Monday, the LACC approved USC’s master lease proposal, giving Troy a triumph more important than ESPN’s attempt to bring tumult. And ESPN didn’t even report it. Perhaps MAYO and BUSH aren’t putting blinders on USC, perhaps the evil four letter network just can’t see.

It seems that nothing but miserable news has piled up in the last week in sports.  The Dodgers got swept at home while managing to score a whopping 6 runs over the three game set with the Houston Astros.  You do have to give the Dodgers some room for error however… they faced this generation’s equivalent of Smoltz, Glavine, and Maddux in Brian Moehler, Chris Sampson, and Shawn Chacon.  Wait a minute, who in the spinach-fucking, rape-whistle wearing world can believe this shit?  These hacks have a combined ERA of nearly 4.7 lifetime. Absolutely abysmal. I take back anything nice I ever said about the Dodgers and their hopes for this year.  Clearly it’s time to squelch all expectations, pack up my hopes and dreams for any reasonable amount of Dodgers success into a small brown paper bag, poop into it, and hurl it headlong into the shining Pacific Ocean.  They continue to kill me slowly.  The one positive thing I can pull from this unfortunate turn of events is that the Astros are arguably playing the best ball in the league right now and certainly have the hottest hitter in the land in Lance Berkman.  In case you haven’t noticed, he’s leading the NL in RBIs, Homeruns and slugging while at a torrid clip of a .393 average.   That’s just incredible.

Then, there’s the Angels.  Not that I really care about them, but they are the local AL team which means that I end up watching a Burmese cyclone load of their games.  I would normally shun the idea of going straight for the jugular on this completely off-kilter joke, but you know what? Fuck Myanmar/Burma.  Or whatever the hell the name of that obliterated pisshole is going to be next week.  Believe me, I feel absolutely horrified and sorry for the poor saps that occupy that nation as innocent bystanders and citizens – they have no control over their own destinies as their ruthless governing body that consistently deprives them of helpful information…  like when Mother Nature is about to bombard them back into the Stone Age with titanic force, which mind you, is FORSEEABLE –but what I have no tolerance for is the wretched warlords and criminals that occupy the most powerful seats in government there.  They are all negligent and should be held responsible for the destitution, disease, and delinquency that has overtaken the region like an illimitable scourge, because it was mostly avoidable.  

Anyway, back to topics that don’t make we want to vomit onto my keyboard and subsequently whack a foreigner in the face with it, the Angels were swept by the Rays in St. Pete.  You’ve got to hand it to the young Irwin Kilers though… they seem to be playing more like a team and getting the performances out of their role players that they need to succeed.  Guys like Navarro, Iwamura, and Bartlett have started to swing the bat well in the last month while getting Kazmir back into the rotation has been a much-needed boost for their young staff.

In the USCTrojans blotter… freshman guard OJ (don’t call me ‘Orenthal’) Mayo who recently declared his intent to never pick up another piece of literature again — unless of course it involved several sets of surgically-enhanced cans –  by becoming eligible in the NBA draft, is now in some serious trouble as allegations of him receiving up to six-figures worth of cash and gifts from boosters are circulating wildly.  In the most recent report by the Associated Press, the NCAA’s president claims to have “new information” relating to OJ’s monetary miscues. 

As I recall, Reggie Bush was embroiled in some such similar controversy not too long ago, yet he’s managed to keep banging Kim Fat-Ass-Dashian.  Honestly, who gives a shit anyway?  The guy’s gonna make more money than I could set on fire with a flame-thrower at Ft. Knox, so he’ll wriggle himself out of legal trouble with some coin.  I guess Myles Brand, president of the NCAA, wants to send a message to all of the other talented college recruits out there being coaxed by high-profile coaches — don’t take the Rover and the bouillon they’re gonna throw at you, son.  Seems pretty hypocritical to me, especially considering the guy was the President of Indiana during Bob Knight’s tenure there… where I’m absolutely positive no shady recruiting business went down whatsoever… riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Lastly, the Lakers lost two straight games on the road in the Western Conference Semis to the Jazz.  However, there is definitely silver lining to this disappointing scenario…  firstly, the Jazz had the best record in the NBA at home and EnergySolutions Arena is known as a pretty tough place to play.  Think about it: 22,000 Mormons waving long rubber balloons and screaming obscenities at you while you try to make a free throw is not the easiest task.

“You shall be vanquished in eternal hell-fire if you make this free throw!”

Secondly, MVP Kobe Bryant was clearly playing in a great deal of pain.  I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch scrounging up excuses like a homeless guy peering for cigarette butts in a sewer, but the guy injured himself on a turn-around in the first minute and a half of the game and still managed to put up impressive numbers (33 points, 10 assists, 8 rebounds, 1 steal).  Obviously he was pretty shoddy down the stretch going something like 2-12 throughout the 4th quarter and overtime, but he kept them in the game, especially in the last half of the third quarter. 

While I would have liked to have seen him continue to dish the ball in the last 10 total minutes instead of jacking up threes, Kobe is a closer, and a damn good one at that… arguably one of the finest in the game’s history with the likes of Bird and Jordan.  I’m sure it’s very difficult for a player in his position, meaning the best on the entire planet, to relinquish control over a pressurized situation when you know you’ve succeeded in positions just like this one 100 times over.  But when Fish and Odom are hot, take the onus off of yourself, and allow your teammates to do the work.

Lastly, the Lakers basically played as poorly as they have all year as a team while the Jazz were very efficient from the field. Essentially, the Lakers got pushed around and failed to run their up-tempo style while the Jazz remained comfortable running pick & rolls and allowing Deron Williams to orchestrate the offense.  The Jazz also got some pretty stellar play out of their bench in one-time starter Matt Harpring, Paul Millsap, and Kyle Korver who hit several timely threes.  Not to mention, Ronnie Price through no effort of his own got Turiaf booted from the ballgame in what was a terrible Flagrant Two call at the beginning of the affair.  Honestly, how can you throw a guy out for perceived threat and intent to injure on a play like this…

Honestly, I don’t think he would have been tossed, but because Price drew blood from his ugly little muskrat face, the officiating crew decided it must have been excessive force used by Turiaf.  That’s what happens when a guy who’s 6′9″ tries to reject a guy who’s 6′2″. It’s part of the game.  Douche-puppies.

That’s all I got for now.  I could continue to harp on the travesties that define sport right now at this moment in time, like Kevin Everett being cut from the Bills, or a Little League coach being convicted of corruption of minors and simple assault for offering an 8-year-old player money to hit a mildly autistic teammate with a ball during warmups before a June 2005 playoff game (not making that one up, either) but instead I stop the bad news there…

There is actually some good news from today (drumroll please)…

Barry Bonds is being charged by the United States in a new indictment with 14 counts of lying and one count of obstruction of justice.  Maybe there is a baseball God, and maybe he’s related to Hank Aaron.

Today’s featured article on BZDS comes from a distinguished gentleman hailing from Livingston, New Jersey.  Panda, as he is affectionately known, is an avid Knicks guy that has agonized over the self-induced implosion the Knicks have undergone over the past couple of years as Isiah Thomas has run a hallowed and historic franchise aground as though it were a  $30 RC Schooner. I guarantee that Panda could do no worse at the helm of his beloved squad as the recently-axed GM has.  Hell, a caged emu could probably make more sound team decisions while experiencing electro-shock therapy than Thomas has.

Panda outlines the potential coaching suitors the Pathe-Knicks brass are looking to tie the knot with as they longingly yearn for the days of glory and yore to return… do the names Ewing, Starks, Oakley, or Frazier ring any bells?  Not to anybody that’s watched these dreadful thugs plummet in the standings over the past 7 plus seasons.

Read on friends, to find out who should, but probably won’t be (if recent tribulations are any indication) the next head coach of the New York Knicks…

Everyone knows Isiah Thomas has ruined New York basketball.  But just for shits and giggles, let’s run through a short list of his contributions to a once-great Knicks franchise:

• Millions of dollars in sexual harassment suit expenses;
• Millions of dollars in wasted contracts and buyouts (Hey Zeke, Stevie Franchise is AWESOME.  Great job);
• A roster full of severely overpaid ballhogs with a collective Forrest Gump-level basketball IQ;
• Significantly lower ticket and memorabilia sales;
• And don’t forget his revolutionary new approach to coaching- the use of the entire And 1 Mixtape library as a primary resource for teaching team defense.

Unfortunately, for the trained slackers (except for you, David Lee.  You’re a big white guy who can jump, board, and jam.  P.S. I love you, David.) on the Knicks current roster, Isiah is gone. Boys, your days of nonstop infighting, having the freedom to hoist up contested shots 10-seconds into the shot clock, and playing matador defense are over.  Next year, Donnie Walsh might actually make you start earning your money.  And my deepest regrets to you, Zach Randolph- you’ll no longer be receiving that congratulatory 10-piece bucket of KFC from Isiah after each shot you block.

So, thankfully for all followers -and hordes of recently defected followers- of New York Knicks basketball, Isiah has finally released his crippling grasp on James Dolan’s balls and Donnie Walsh has shown him the door.  But, what next?  Who does Donnie bring on to willingly inherit a roster of egotistic morons mixed-in with 2-3 quality young players and somehow turn this into a winning team again?

Here are my analyses and ratings of potential New York Knicks hires (on a scale of 10).

The Frontrunner: Mike D’Antoni (7/10)

Who is Mike D’Antoni?  I’ll tell you straight up.  He teaches “Euro-Ball.” Played his pro-ball in Italy and learned how to coach there.  Move the ball, push the break, run pick-and-rolls, and rely on outside shooters to make a high percentage of threes.  He’s also had Steve Nash, who has been the perfect fit for his style of offense.  However, his teams have always been categorized as defensive underachievers, despite the presence of good defensive players like Shawn Marion, Raja Bell, Kurt Thomas, Grant Hill, and others, and he has been a career underachiever.  Yes, Mike, you may have gotten screwed when half your bench ran five feet too far onto the court after Steve Nash got bodychecked by Robert Horry in the West Finals, but you haven’t won anything with your team of stars and an MVP point guard.  Knicks basketball in its most successful years has always been about defense.  I don’t think D’Antoni can coach defense.  However, if he’s given personnel power, dumps our team of losers and morons, and has a few good drafts and acquisitions that fit his philosophy, in five or six years, this could be the East’s version of the 2007 Phoenix Suns.  That wouldn’t be half bad. 

The Former Front-Runner:  Mark Jackson (1/10)

When I heard the news that Mark Jackson was tops on Donnie Walsh’s list, my sperm count immediately dropped to 13, as the majority of my little swimmers were committing suicide.  Mark Jackson?  The guy just recently became an analyst and color commentator, has never coached a day in his life at any level, and you want him to come on board and convince Zach Randolph and Stephon Marbury that he is an all-knowing expert on game strategy and coaching basketball in general?  This is a recipe for disaster.  Everyone knows that some of these guys in the NBA are the kings of backtalk.  Imagine Mark Jackson grilling Marbury during training camp about missing a rotation or turning the ball over.  All Marbury ever has to say is “Fuck you, Jackson.  I know what I’m doing.  You’ve never coached a damn NBA team, no less, a YMCA Youth League team, in your life.  Don’t tell my ass what to do.”  Enough said.  Mark, you do a swell job giving Mike Breen some color- pardon my pun- on the air, but if you want to coach, you better go get yourself an assistant gig under someone who knows the ropes.  You are NOT ready to take a dysfunctional and miserable team and turn them around.

In the Mix: Avery Johnson (8/10)

Avery Johnson turned Don Nelson’s run-and-gun, completely non-defensive team into a good defensive team with a slower but still effective offense.  To his credit, he also convinced Dirk (a.k.a “irk”… no D) Nowitzki to start playing some solid defense. The result?  The best record in the NBA in 2007.  His coaching style is no surprise.  The man values defense.  He played with the Twin Towers in San Antonio and won a title.  He couldn’t shoot, was too small, but he started for a championship team because he was gritty and could play some annoying-ass defense.  So why was he run out of Dallas?  My honest judgment is that it was misfortune that sealed his fate.  Drawing the worst first-round matchup possible in Golden State in the 2007 Playoffs after dominating the regular season, and then, of course, the idiotic acquisition of Jason Kidd at the end of the 2008 season.  Nice job Mark Cuban and company.  Bring over a slow-footed point guard who is way past his prime, pay him all kinds of dough, and expect him to stay with the speed of Chris Paul and Tony Parker.  Brilliant.  You just paid more money for a first-round exit, lost a 24-year old point guard in Devin Harris, and left your coach – a quality coach – in the worst of all possible situations.  Avery, you made the right call to leave Dallas.  New York needs a defensive coach, but is Avery actually a good coach or did he just acquire a good team in Dallas?  If he gets the New York job (unlikely unless D’Antoni turns it down), we’ll see.

D’Antoni or Johnson?  I prefer Johnson by a hair, but D’Antoni would be alright.  Mike has a big role on the US National Team coaching staff, is well respected, and has shown the ability to make good personnel decisions.  Ultimately, it was Steve Kerr’s decision to pick-up Shaq in a multi-year contract that probably made D’Antoni jump ship in Phoenix.  He had no say in that deal and Shaq didn’t fit his offensive scheme. 

Anyhow, beggars can’t be choosers.  There is not a qualified coach in this world who would look forward to inheriting the Knicks’ miserable roster and salary cap problems.  I say whoever Donnie hires, give him five or six solid years before making the final judgment. 

A Knicks title is at LEAST ten years away, but getting rid of Isiah was the first of many key steps. 

Can we reverse the decision to induct him into the Hall of Fame? 

This just in… reports are now circulating that the Knicks have offered D’Antoni a contract worth $30 million despite Donnie Walsh refuting such statements…

As Panda so eloquently put, D’ will be sure to have Tumi trunk sized eye-bags and a sauce problem in no time once he tries to wrangle the young bucks that so infrequently do the right thing on that beleaguered team.

Now the bidding war is on between the Bulls and the Italian Stallion… we shall see who prevails in the coming days.

OK, so it’s not a new sensation, nor is this clip relevant to anything, BUT, it is pretty breathtaking to watch one man lose all consciousness immediately after being cold-cocked by another man who happens to be a total and complete thug.  A total and complete thug wearing really tight shorts.  And candy cane socks. And a shiny sleeveless halter-top (almost). 

True, it would be better if the following siuation I just described occured in a dimly-lit alley of Philadelphia whereby two MMA-trained trannies were battling mercilessly over the contents of a recycled hospital bag… but as most things in life that sound too good to be true are not true, so is this scenario.   Instead, I present to you an Aussie Rools Football match clip between the Sydney Swans and the West Coast Eagles.  Look for the sweetest ass KO on the pitch you’ve ever seen at around :30 in. 

Sweet milk mustache of Brendan Ayanbadejo that was a badass! I’ve probably watched this as many times and Kevin Garnett has yelled ‘MF’ or ‘N’ in the first quarter of a playoff game this season, and it never seems to wear on me.  I’m just amazed the slugee kept all of his chiclets…  Those Aussies are tough dudes.

This past weekend, AC Milan squared off against Inter Milan in the battle for Milanese supremacy… and also for who makes seedy Italian love the dirtiest.  As you can imagine this is a pretty heated rivalry, especially when it comes to arguing whose post-bone session bedspread sweat tastes the sweetest, but nothing quite illustrates the passion for this matchup like the booth commentator from this video clip.   If this guys passion is representative at all of his love-making abilities, I think we’re looking at the next Ronaldo Jeremayo…

This guy is screaming like a goddamned nutbag, and it makes me laugh a lot. If only hockey announcers could get this animated, maybe the ratings wouldn’t lag so much in this country. After all, a goal is a goal.

BZDS is once again lucky to host a guest post, this time from the always capricious, never dull, GeeZy.  With years of relevant experience within the (national football) league, as well as trying to hook up with girls way out of his league, the petulant Texan puts on blast how he really feels about the NFL draft and its ramifications on us as fans, and on the kids about to get paid stupid money by pro organizations.  So go on, take a bite of what he’s cooked up.  You just might like it…

Can you smell it?  The sweet scent of Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair care products wafting through the air can only mean one thing.  That’s right; it’s time for the National Football League’s Annual Selection Meeting, or as it’s more colloquially known…The NFL Draft.  That heartwarming time of year in which scores of privileged “student-athletes” across the country formally drop the prefix from their titles and join the elite ranks of American professionals who are fortunate enough to play the game of football for a living.  And for a group of kids that have spent the past 2-4 years being thoroughly exploited by their respective universities, conferences and the NCAA, today is their big payoff. 

Being that the average NFL career is between 3 and 5 years, history dictates that the vast majority of these kids (who may or may not have utilized any of the free education they’ve been provided) will spend the next 1-5 years busting their asses, scratching and clawing for limited roster spots and jumping from camp to camp, only to find themselves out of the league sooner rather than later.   While the rewards of the life of the pro athlete may be high, the business of the game is unforgiving.       

 Another small percentage of draftees will spend the next 3-15 years contributing anywhere from marginally to considerably around the league.  And a precious few will emerge into Pro Bowlers, franchise players and Hall of Famers.  Essentially, the draft is a league-wide game of craps that uses semi-grown barbarian men instead of cubed thermoset plastic.  And to think, the morales of entire metropolitan areas hinge on the eventual successes and failures of these 20-22 year-old kids.  Kind of a lot of pressure if you think about it.

 But that’s what makes the draft of any sport so intriguing.  You never know.  But the thing that separates the NFL draft from those of the other sports is this: a large portion of the viewing public has already formed a connection with a large portion of the athletes.  For not only have we enjoyed watching the majority of these kids perform as collegiate athletes over the past 2-4 years, but in many cases, given the recent boom in recruiting coverage, we’ve had the opportunity to follow said athlete throughout his high school career as well.  I can honestly say that I’ve followed the career of Adrian Peterson since the kid was a sophomore in high school.  Before AD ever signed his letter of intent to play for OU, I could tell you that his mother is a former sprinter for the University of Houston, that his father was locked up for pushing weight and that his brother was killed by a drunk driver while riding his bike as a kid.  Hell I probably coulda told you his favorite flavor of ice cream.   But by the time the Vikings selected The Machine from Palestine with the 7^th pick of the ‘07 draft, it already felt like I knew AD personally.  Now, he remains as one of my favorite athletes on the planet, and he’s not even a year removed from his rookie season.  For the most part, you’d be hard pressed to find many similar instances in any other sport.

The NBA draft has only two rounds and until recently, consisted mostly of not-yet-ready, poorly advised high school students barely a month removed from their senior proms and immensely overrated Europeans whose draft stocks are based almost solely on performances vs. severely inferior competition and workouts vs. inanimate objects.  In baseball, there are about 637 rounds and no one’s ever heard of any of the players, most of whom never even end up signing with the team that drafted them anyway.  And frankly, as much as I love both soccer and hockey, let’s be honest…no one gives a shit about the MLS or NHL drafts. 

Sooooo, as an admitted football junkie, you can understand why this seemingly trivial day in late April is one of my favorite days of the year.  But the real point of this post is to discuss one of the more disturbing developing subplots of the draft that I’ve observed over the past few years.  And it’s driving me fucking nuts. 

What the fuck is with the media’s fawning obsession over this “last guy in the green room” bullshit?  You know what I’m talking about.  It all started with Aaron Rodgers in 2005 and continued this year with Brian Brohm (who incredulously, was taken about 30 spots too late).  Although Brohm wasn’t physically “in the green room,” the running theme of the coverage still pertained. Quick story… I was privileged enough to attend the 2006 NFL Draft as a hired muse for the New York Jets.  To refresh your memory, this was the infamous Mario Williams/Reggie Bush/Vince Young/Matt Leinart draft.   I’m sitting in a room full of the best and brightest writers, reporters and NFL media relations people in the business.  As the draft wore on, player after player made their way from the green room up to the podium to shake hands with the Commissioner as their name got called.  Well as you may remember, Matt Leinart, the charismatic, stubble-ridden, heartthrob of a quarterback from USC was the last among those present at the draft to be selected, thus leaving him alone in the green room for a solid hour.  As team after team passed on the aesthetically pleasing QB, cameras repeatedly kept cutting to an anxious-looking Leinart as he fell all the way to *GASP* the 10^th pick.  And for the entire duration of this “excruciatingly agonizing” hour, and with every Leinart cutaway, I had to endure this non-stop slew of blasphemous commentary…  

“Poor guy.” 

“Aww, I feel so sorry for him.”  

“Look at him, he looks so sad.”  

“Poor thing.” 

“That’s gotta be so tough.”  

“I hope he gets picked soon.”  

“Things not working out quite as Leinart had planned today.”   “How do you deal with something like this?”

Jeezus, you would’ve thought the guy’s dick fell off on live TV, the way they were talking. Now…keep in mind, it wasn’t like I was watching the draft from the fucking ‘SC Delta Gamma house.  This was a collection of (supposedly) the most educated football people in the land.  The same media members who take every opportunity they can to berate, bemoan or criticize almost anybody with any kind of wealth and privilege. 

“Poor Guy.”  Poor Guy??    Give me a fucking break.  This is the same guy who drinks titty milk in his cereal for breakfast and wipes his ass with hundred dollar bills.  And you feel sorry for him?  Fuck that.  Feel sorry for me.  I’m the one making minimum wage who paid for my own flight to get here.  I’m the one who hasn’t been laid in 6 months unless you count the time my dog tried to lick my ballsack while I was getting out of the shower the other day.  I’m the one who owes my bookie my next 3 paychecks and I’m the one who’s living out of a pizza box down on 3^rd street promenade.

 Alright I made some of that up.  But you get my point.  You’ve got to be fuckin kidding me, poor guy.  He gets to move to one of the most attractive cities in America, where the weather is beautiful and hordes of gorgeous, horny women flow through the streets like the salmon of Capistrano. 

So now he’s only gonna make $51 million instead of $54 million.  (btw, I don’t know the exact figures but that HAS to be the richest contract for a #10 pick in league history.  Compare Leinart’s deal to the 2006 #10 pick, Houston’s Amobi Okoye whose rookie contract was worth a possible $17.6 million. Granted, a 1^st-round QB typically earns more than a 1 ^st-round DT, but still…that’s a gap of over $30 million.  Hell, Alex Smith, fellow QB and the number ONE overall pick in ‘05 signed a deal worth $49.5 million.  And Leinart’s ONLY gonna make $51 mill.) 

Give me a second while I wipe me tears of sympathy.    Boo fuckin’ hoo.  The 2 biggest concerns on Leinart’s mind at that point were, A) figuring out how to fold a wallet fulla hundos and B) narrowing down the 6,429 smoking hot broads banging down his door, begging to take part in naked string cheese parties with him and Nick Lachey.    

As I was driving home after watching day 1 of this year’s draft, I caught the news on the radio of this psychotic Austrian fuckstick who imprisoned his own daughter in his basement for 24 years, repeatedly sexually molested her and fathered 7 of his own grandkids in that span.  Well, the daughter/baby mama, now 42, was taken into protective custody along with the surviving children, who are now between the ages of five and 19.   Jeezus.  I couldn’t help but feel for those poor kids who have no choice but to make the valiant attempt to weave their way back into society at this point.  Could you even imagine?  Now that’s a “poor guy.”  Not Matt fuckin’ Leinart.  My God.